Dear ED

We’re about to get personal here.

Dear ED,

I would like to begin by introducing myself. Me. Not the person you turned me into. As you are more than aware of, I’m a competitive ice-dancer. Therefore, I’m an elite athlete. I am a strong, fierce athlete. You are provoked by that. You also thrive in the fact that my body grew early, but so did my brain which is what stops you from winning this battle. My thoughts are wise beyond my years. ED, you are hurting a young girl, I know you don’t know that because I haven’t been a young girl ever. I never want to be. I want to be the strong, mature, fierce, athletic, happy girl I have always been. Why is it so hard for you to let me do that?

I know you don’t want this, and I have tried to compromise with you. Not anymore. I am going to take you down. I am going to win. I’ve defeated a lot of obstacles to get to where I am now, and I certainly have been defeated by many obstacles as well. There is a lot of loss in my life, you are a big factor in that. I am used to losing and I can take losing. I have even accepted losing my happiness to YOU. TO YOU, ED. I’ve slowly been fighting to get some of it back. But some isn’t enough. I want all of it back. And I am going to get it. Once I defeat you I will get everything back. I will be praised by all the people rooting for me, I will be even stronger than I am now, I will be free. I will have won.

ED, I could just quit my sport, my life, and be put in a hospital. Trust me, it’d be much easier. But you see ED, I don’t quit. No one will beat you for me, but you are not going to win, so I am beating you myself. I know it’s taking me a while, but I’m not done yet, because once i am done, you’ll be gone. You will be gone, ED. I get at first you were just trying to help. You seem like such a helpful partner to have around. In a world where being smaller, and changing who you are is advertised everywhere you seem like a nice guy. But you aren’t all you seem. I wish people knew that. I wish I wasn’t part of a world where loving who are wasn’t accepted and weight gain was frowned upon, even if you’re sick. Even if you are shrinking away.

I know it seems like i’m blaming all of this on you, ED. But I know it wasn’t all your fault. I enabled you. I created the feeling of hating myself, I chose you to help me eliminate it. But all you did was make me so terrified of feeling that way towards myself again, that you took who I was and hid it. All of it. From how I looked to how I felt. My legs shrunk to sticks, my arms shriveled to twigs, my butt became flat, my boobs disappeared, I lost my curves. Every curve, even my smile. I used to have a huge smile that matched my giant blue bug eyes, but my smile went away and now I was left with protruding cheek bones, a lifeless face, and giant dull bug eyes. What did you do to my mirrors, ED? People were screaming at me that I look sick but all I saw were flaws that seemed to only be solved by weight-loss. You made me keep going. I let you. We were on the same team.

I’ve joined a new team. My team. People have been on board, waiting for me, all i had to do was join. We are all here for me, which means we are all here to beat you. The winner gets a big prize. Winner will be rewarded with confidence, strength, love, toughness, their life back, respect, praise, and best of all, happiness. I’m sorry ED, but I’m going to be the one to take home the prize. I used to think I would miss you. But I have become strong enough to know that I never needed you and will never need you. I don’t come out on top in a lot of things in life, ED. Normally nothing I do is good enough. There is usually someone better. Not in this case. I am stronger than you and I will fight harder than you. Anyways, I’m just writing this letter to say goodbye. For good.

Not yours anymore truly,

Claire Purnell

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